Saturday, January 29, 2005

friendship

There has always been one main criteria in determining a personality to be fit as a friend. I must believe with every ounce of my own being that this person standing next to me is a good person through every extension of their own personality. It does not mean that the person needs to be physically beautiful, metaphyiscally gifted, or even remotely intelligent. It means that I need to believe that this person desires and needs to see a world as a happy or as beautiful as I strive to find with my own eyes. It means that this person is willing to suffer for the dream that they seek.

Since beauty is defined by the beholder, my eyes help me feel a persons dreams and weaknesses. I see people in terms of feelings and understanding rather than superficial and naive projections. I am slow in trusting, and I am slow to love, because I rarely hold back when I have made a decision. As a condition of friendship, I am willing to suffer with and for my friends to help them acheive their own dreams and moments of perfection. I will help and hold myself accountable for future possible outcomes of our lives.

I know that I alone can not save this world, or do I let delude myself into being stronger than I really am. But I have an innate desire to see a world better than today. I can only move on with a belief in progression. I can not always fight the evils of this world, I know now that I must pick and choose the battles which I decide to fight. And then friendship becomes a perfect relative measure in choosing battles. I consider it a good day when I can make at least one friend smile. It is the first step in making that perfect world.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

harder than death

A feeling of uneasiness has overcome a once recharged soul. The burdens of reality, the realization that life will always be suffering, regardless of your momentary fortune, is reminding me now. The point is to be able to fall down seven times and get up the eighth time.

The internal feeling of guilt,

a feeling of selfishness,

a constant process of analyzing my present and past choices.

Is hindsight perfect?

Is the perception of my own past a true reflection of who I have created in myself.

Are the Chinese right? Is Freud right?

That there are no coincidences, b/c it takes hundreds of lifetimes of karma for friendships to be created.

And it takes thousands of lifetimes of karma for two people to share a pillow?

Are there no choices?

Is everything predestined?

There are bigger things in this world, than these singular chaotic moments. Momentary happiness and momentary sadness are easy to deal with today. The questions that weigh down my mind are the emotions that shade a lifetime. Pain will always dissipate in our memories. And happiness will increase with the smiles of the present. Is the present a present from something bigger than us, the world, God?

I seem like a child having a hard time contemplating the vastness and possibilities of the world. I have no idea how I came to be here at the present moment and I know I will have no idea how tomorrow will reveal itself.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. I do believe that there is something bigger than me guiding my actions. Whether I realize it or not, something is helping me believe.

And the reason why this force is helping me is because I so desperately need to believe in it. I am nothing without this life force, this god, the idea, the emotional and logical nature of my mind are constantly battling each other for the answer to the question that I have not even yet asked.

Because I believe, it is necessary, and therefore it exists.

Smiles beget smiles, and misery begets further misery.

We all need to realize that there are bigger things in this world that do not work on the ever changing human scale of good and evil.

Happiness and pain are the same thing only with the only difference being time. Karma does come back to you. Gypsies believed that deeds are returned three times over. Hindus believe in reincarnation, and the actions of today will determine your next life. Even Muhammad Ali believed that the good deeds are the rent that you pay for living on this Earth.

Dying for a cause, a person, something I love is no longer hard. It is a purpose bigger than myself, and I have always felt comfortable giving up my life for something more important than me. Some may call it a martyr complex, I call it my view of helping this world become a more beautiful place. Dying for something more beautiful and more important than my own life is easy.

It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

- Julius Caesar

What I realize now, is that the difficult part of this life, is not in the contemplation of my own death. Death will happen in an instant. Life is much longer in comparison and thus more grueling and more testing of your own will. The way that you live your life is what will define you in the end, the kind of death we will all face is just another chapter.

Living pain with patience is the true test of your will. It will define the reason for your own existence. It will determine how much wisdom you will acquire in this lifetime. The pain will change over time into wisdom, if you are able to last that long. And until you realize what you have in this world, each moment of pain will only get harder and eventually you will reach your own breaking point.

The point where you give up your dreams,

The point at which the fire in your eyes dies.